I’ve wanted to write for a long time but I have been distracted. In case I haven’t mentioned, I started a new job in the UK which has taken up most of my days and the last few weekends. And well, things have been a bit nutty. But I’ve been staring at the write button in my mind for a few days now. What do I want to write? Everything!
I went to Berlin in January and those posts are long overdue but I’ve failed on getting it together (for the time being). I swear I’m not trying to be lazy but everything is escaping me. I’ve been consumed with wanting to do and wanting to be seen a certain way. It’s not entirely healthy but I know that it is some function of my personality so I deal with it and monitor it. But I will get to those posts, I’m just working my way back up to managing what I like with all the new. Cryptic syntax much?
Another thought to share – change is exhilarating but it also unbalances.
I cannot count how many times I’ve felt off kilter these last few weeks. Questioning my being. Wondering when certain things would happen. Trying to find a rhythm. This is all basic stuff but for some reason, I forgot how change can be so momentous, even dealing with the small stuff. Let’s take my NI number saga. I finally received it last week Thursday after I made an appointment in the middle of November. The waiting game and then actually receiving my number in the mail, it’s changed how I view my value as a “whole” person in the UK. I feel more like someone who isn’t just visiting, I feel like an expat. And again, that feeling invites so much change. So many new questions to float through my brain like making friends, building a career, being happy, earning a living, etc.
Some might call me lucky and say,”Girl you’re tripping.” Why? Because I do have support. I have my British husband and some of his friends and family and some of my extended family but it’s still a lot to process. It’s still a lot to grow accustomed to and feel like it’s my normal. I’m grateful and happy for all these wonderful changes but I won’t act like everything is going perfectly according to my London dream. I’m not the bell of the ball and I’m not exploring new city spots around the city. I feel I did that more when I was trying hard to become an expat as a tourist but my most recent days have been filled with interviews, paperwork and finding myself in loopholes. I have seen the light though. As I said, I have a job, my NI number, a bank account, it’s all good. There’s still more to accomplish and live but it’s all good.